| (no subject) |
[Oct. 12th, 2006|11:51 pm] |
| [ | the way i feel like dancing |
| |  hopeful | ] |
i hate the way u look at me i hate the way u treat me differently then the other i hate being near u it makes me not want to live bc ur so close to me i hate feeling this way i hate having anger in me and cant do nothing about it i hate feeling like what i was i hate how u make me want to be like i was a depressed person, a cutter, a druggie...do u want ur only daughter to feel like that u want her to be close but yet in ur logic u do this so we can get closer and so i will learn a lesson but in real life all it is doing is pushing me farther and farther away from reality and u just dont understand that...u wonder why i wanted to go to therapy u wonder why i became the person i am it is all because of YOU...i have hate built in me i am the way i am because u created me this way...i dont want to be that person anymore i want to be the happy person that is like i have great parents that would do anything for at any moment but i cant say that i cant feel like it burns me inside to know that i cant ever trust my own family let them know things about me and what has really happened in my life i just cant i want too let them know but i just cant it would just make them treat me the same way that they are treating me now...they dont know what affect they have on me when they do that...my life has gone to hell and it cant be saved it wont be able to rescue...its like what lifeguards are for they are there to rescue ppl like parents are the lifeguard and they rescue the person in need their child but in some cases the lifeguard just cant rescue the one in need its just worthless and the one in need or rescueing just doesnt want to be rescued...i want to rescued just not by my lifeguard i want a different lifeguard someone i cant trust the one that i can put my whole life in there hands and i know they wont let me drowned they will float me to safety i guess i just havent that person yet and i wish they would come soon bc i cant hold my breath for ever in the hard waves of life of the world of every responsibility i have to hold my shoulders im drownding quick and need to be rescued...im tired of drownding |
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| hate/anger |
[Oct. 6th, 2006|12:31 am] |
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i hate it when ppl sit there and grip about ppl who act different around different ppl but yet they are the prime example of that they fucking contridict themselves...i hate it...and then when u think u are friends with someone and u call on them to keep u comfort til u get home to ur house and yet when u get there they bitch u out for fucking lying to them and lying about every fucking thing in the fucking world i hate it i cant stand it...then they say that i am a buzz kill who gives a flying fuck and that they dont want to listen to me when i all i do is speak the truth about how they are they dont want listen bc they dont want to come to fucking reality that they are who i say they are or who they are turning out to be...i hate it...its gay i cant stand it and moments like that want me to turn into who i used to be a drug addict addicted to zanx and weed and begain fucking cutting again but i know i am better then that but it just makes me want to bc i know when i did that i didnt have worries or problems i was stuck in my own world i was happy i was depressed most of the time but i was happy in my own way...i want that in real life i want to be happy with out that shit but all i can find is someone who is lying to themselves and all they want to do is bring me down and call me a liar |
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| friends |
[Aug. 20th, 2006|01:07 am] |
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yea i feel like i have fucked up my life once again |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 16th, 2006|11:00 pm] |
| [ | the way i feel like dancing |
| |  depressed | ] |
LOVE IS BUT A DREAM
A DREAM IS NOTHING BUT WAITING
IM WAITING ON THAT RIGHT DREAM |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 16th, 2006|10:40 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my bed room | ] |
| [ | the way i feel like dancing |
| | disappointed | ] |
so they call me nothing more then a whore or so i think..bc of past mistakes things i shouldnt have done but i cant change the past i can only change the future...do ppl act all whorish to get attention or just bc they are one...some cant help it bc of things they have taken or drank...but really what considers a person to be a whore...these days so many ppl have so many different definitions of a whore...what should we consider a whore to be?
on other notes i am making admends with pete and we are getting over our arguements...but i still cant figure him out i dont know what he thinks of me but he knows what i think of him...he plays these well i know what i am looking for and i know that what i am lookin for is right in front of my face and then he plays these i hate u shit or things just to get on my nerves bc he knows what pushes my buttons...does that mean something
guys are just confussing they come with there own manual to read and to figure out how to work it...i hate that i wish that sometimes guys will just show their emotions more towards ppl towards things instead of keeping it built up and hiding it...sometimes i just think i want to give up on guys...i know ppl tell me that yeah there is some guy out there for u...i wish he would come sooner...and everytime i meet a guy and get to know him it just feels like he is the one i guess it is just my emotions messing with me...i need to keep a guard up im assuming bc everytime i dont have one i get hurt and i dont understand why...u sit there and talk with a guy and they tell u there perfect gurl and everytime i listen im telling myself inside me im that gurl im the that would do that im the one that would be there...why dont u see it...but i guess i just say that to make it feel like i belong somewhere with someone or i really could be that person and just havent found the right one yet...i dont know i guess i will just live my life the way i have been living it just somethings will have to change...
on the other hand i have an alter ego named sophia...she is a hoot...and if ur thinking im going crazy or have a mental problem well hate to break it to ya i dont...it is an inside joke btw me and some friends while we were drinking and it just popped up...
school sucks at the moment i hate being there it bores me...i reg for western civ I...classes are mondays and wednesdays at 5-615 pm...which is right after high school...but i get to leave the hell hole at 2 to go home then three hours later go to jeff state and take western civ...
o yeah for those of u who dont know i have my tongue pierced it is a 12 gauge...umm i dyed my hair blue and purple this past summer...im letting my hair grow out to which i wish it would grow faster...
and i realize that i have lost touch with some really good old friends...i miss one inparticularly but the last i saw of him he seemed like he had changed and it was more of an annoance change then a good change...and just lately i seem to be getting annoyed a lot quicker then usual...and i have realized that the annoance is comming from so really close friends of mine i dont know what it is but just sometimes things they say or do just annoys me...and i cant keep it bundle up anymore so i let it go on the person that is annoying me at that time.... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 3rd, 2006|11:16 pm] |
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i think i just did something that shouldnt have happened... and i dont know how that is gonna change our friendship |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 11th, 2006|11:29 pm] |
| [ | the way i feel like dancing |
| | sad | ] |
so u think u have mother fucking friends that will be there for u and wont go behind ur back and do stupid shit well what happened to that there arent any real friends in the world now a days and it pisses me off...see i expected know that she is a close friend that she wouldnt go behind my and try and hook up with the guy that i want the guy that i absent mindly feel for....right arent friend suposed to support ur decisions and arent u suposed to trust them right well that shit aint happening i know the guy aint that dependable and that he is always talking about screwing gurls but i see this otherside besides that i try look over that and just see what he really is....i see the true him and what he loves to do and that screwing and hooking up with gurls is just a cover up so he doesnt have to show his true self....but really when u think about it does he really want to show is true self....me and this guy have had this one convo about him settling down and looking for that one gurl....and i told him he was so much closer then wat he thinks...he told me that keg(my nickname) i know i am close to finding her and i know that but i still want to keep my options open...so what does that mean....does that mean he is talking about me or someone else he knows how i feel for him....but could things ever happen btw us....and with friends that will not be named keep ruining shit bc they think they are hot shit just bc they are supper small and have big boobs...that doesnt mean shit that just means ur easy and a whore....u cant always find the qualities that u are looking for the one that will always be with u at any time in point to when they need u if all ur looking at is tits and ass....i mean yeah i understand u want to have fun while ur young but what is enough to satisfy that person...just bc i havent messed with u doesnt mean i dont care for u and dont want to be with u it just means i want to be with u in a different manor i want u to look past the looks and look past that we havent fucked i mean their is more to me then a vagina i have a brain i have a mind i have thoughts and opinions...ur highly intellectual smart can be dependable when u want to be dependable u have great thoughts and opinions u make me laugh what more is there....i mean i make u laugh u make me laugh we have a great time and everytime we are together u dont think about really anything else that is bothering but just is wat is on ur mind and wat u want to accomplish in life....but then u have this sudden regeneration of o how is so and so and what is so and so number...and then u totally forget about me and just ask about the other person bc u know that i wont have sex with u...does that mean something i mean i want to have more then just a sex life with u i want companionship and actuall convos and not just a one night stand....if u wnat that then ur not for me u never where and i dont know why i feel for u...i guess it was all just a mistake i guess i should have followed my thoughts the first time instead of ignoring them...sometimes i wish i never have met u....i hate it when u make me cry i hate it when u make me upset i just hate it the way u treat me sometimes....but yet i cant get over the fact that i still have feelings for u and i guess i always will....me assuming that i will soon just have to look over it and forget u and come to realization that nothing will ever happen with us....see u make me so sad that i just want to go back to slitting my wrist but then i agian i realize ur not worth my hurting myself anymore...i have promised many ppl that i wont but yet i haev broken those promises bc of ppl like u that hurt me and just makes me feel bad about myself but yet u dont see that u hurt me and i think u could probably care less but i wish u would care i wish u were there for me when i needed comfort when i am in those moods to just go away in a corner and just drift away to somewhere where u wouldnt hurt me or couldnt...and those are the times when ur suposed to turn to ur friends but the friend that u turn to is the one going behind ur back and trying to take u away from me...but i am about to just say go for it and just not to talk to me bc that really hurts me to know that a friend would do such a thing...then i realize that it was my fault for bringing u around him my fault that i let u near him thinking that u wouldnt do that to me...but yet i was mistaking u for a true friend that u are not...so then that is when i turn to the razors and they sooth me why i dont know i guess it seems that pain for pain....i guess i will survive but im seriously thinking of just not talking to the world not talking to ppl who backstab me in back when they know i would be there for them anytime of the day but they cant do the same....im guessing it is just back to the same ole same ole depressing me always pissed off at ppl i guess i was doing so much better then aint that sad |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 15th, 2006|06:44 pm] |
| [ | the way i feel like dancing |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | the sounds my heart beats to! |
| | underoath | ] |
the blood dripping from your slit wrist are the last drips of sanity |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 11th, 2006|09:07 pm] |
| [ | the way i feel like dancing |
| |  tired | ] |
so yeah life just sucks |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 20th, 2006|06:39 pm] |
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im dying with the last breath of hope |
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disturbedtalker's journal